All That Matters

As you've probably noticed, I have a tendency to talk about labour and birth quite a bit, and I also tend to get in more animated discussions about it, especially when the subject of home birth arises.  Sometimes in these discussions there's someone who says something to the effect of "all that matters is a healthy baby".  This can be said either in discussing why one shouldn't have a home birth, or said after a mother mentions various interventions that she found to be more traumatic.

Let's think about this statement though - all that matters is a healthy baby.  So what about the mother's physical and emotional health?  Birth isn't just some medical procedure, but is a highly emotional, personal experience.  Now, I certainly agree that the baby's health is of the utmost importance, and I would sacrifice myself for my child if it came down to it (I suppose in a way labour and just being a mother are sacrificing myself for my child, but I digress).  However, I do not at all subscribe to either the false dichotomy of pitting mother against child instead of working to ensure both are well, in every sense of the word.  The mother's emotional welfare shouldn't be neglected, either, and telling her that the baby is all that matters gets translated to her as saying that she doesn't matter and she should just forget any emotional trauma.

Even without my first birth being truly traumatic, I can understand this, for I do have some emotional baggage, as it were, with Kieran's birth.  I'm thrilled beyond words that Kieran is fine, but I'm also angry and hurt at being subjected to interventions that shouldn't have been necessary, had I had continuous support been more educated on various positions and the like and been more confident.  No, I'm not blameless.  (and no, I'm not saying interventions are never necessary, nor that women aren't traumatised if an intervention is necessary).

Whatever the circumstances, though, telling the mother that it only matters that the baby is well, or even telling her that it's okay because both she & the baby are alive, serves only to belittle her emotional well-being.  I don't think people intentionally do this, for I don't think others realise just how emotional birth is and that the experience itself, as well as the outcome, is important.  In fact, I'm sure I was guilty of this way of thinking prior to having Kieran.  It's helped to be able to talk about it, and has spurred me on to educate myself more, thus leading to my ongoing reading and research.  Now I see the bigger picture, that a healthy baby and mother are important, and that this goes beyond physical health.