Right or Easy

Often in parenting I find that there's a choice to be made: a choice between what is right and what is easy.  Before I go further, let me say that I do not think there's only one right way to parent - to say that would be to fail to take into account the fact that each person, each child and each parent, is different, and each family dynamic is different.  There are some things I'm completely against, like CIO and baby/child "training", but overall I wouldn't say there's one right or wrong way to do things.

from Harry Potter Wikia

As I go about my day, though, I notice this choice between doing what is right and what is easy.  Perhaps I'm busy or just tired when I take the easy way of out of just saying "no!" or becoming exasperated or whatnot instead of addressing the root of the problem.

If I know that Charlotte's fond of climbing on the table, but do nothing to redirect her or show her something more appropriate on which to climb because it's just easier to say "no", that doesn't do a lot of good.  In fact, what ends up happening is that she'll climb up there anyway, I'll get irritated and pull her off, and she'll have a tantrum.  Now, at that point it's no longer "easy" but there's still time to do what is "right" (for example, by proceeding to show her an appropriate venue for her climbing, like Kieran's bed) instead of reacting in kind.

I'll be honest - this is a constant struggle for me.  I have to constantly remember to parent more responsively when I'm feeling tired or am trying to cook or do housework.  I don't think it's always possible to head things off before they happen, for I'm not omniscient or omnipresent and I can't control the actions of others, but, with the grace of God, I do think it's possible to make the right choice, which will vary from child to child and situation to situation.

Once again I come back to the idea of the domestic monastery and responding joyfully as I'm needed.  It's certainly not easy, for denying ourselves is never easy.  Thankfully God gives us the grace we need.

Seeing Babywearing as the Norm

Just before leaving for Mass I find myself tying a sarong on my son like a wrap sling so he can carry Duckling on his back.  How did this happen?  Well, with minutes to go before we have to leave for Mass and amazing the kids and I are all dressed and ready to go when Kieran says he needs to put Duckling on his back.  Since we're running ahead of schedule (meaning we're not rushing out the door at breakneck speed so we're not late), I find myself running upstairs to try to find something that can be used as a sling.  My first thought was to grab one of the many decorative scarves I have, but then my eyes fell on the sarong I'd gotten on our honeymoon in the Bahamas.

"Perfect!" I told myself, as I rushed back down the stairs to help Kieran with it.  It's been a long time since I've tried to use the Kari-Me wrap (pretty much like a Moby wrap, for my US readers) on my back, but I thought I remembered enough to quickly strap Duckling on Kieran's back.  Thankfully Duckling is rather light, and not alive, so it really didn't matter if it was well supported.  My first attempt didn't look quite the way it should, but by that time we were in a hurry so I left it.  I didn't get a photo of the second attempt, which was much better.  Once I got Duckling strapped on, we headed to Mass like this:

Kieran was very happy having his Duckling on his back like that, and I was thrilled that my children see babywearing as the norm.  I've actually worn Kieran on my back in the mei tai fairly recently, and I frequently wear Charlotte, either on my back in the mei tai or on my hip with the Kari-Me folded like a sling.  She's a bit too big for a front carry these days.  Children imitate what they see and know, and obviously for my children that's babywearing.

Set Up To Fail

Are parents set up to fail? Sometimes I think so. Or perhaps it's more like there are lots of things out there trying to trip us up or make us think we're failing. It isn't that these people or things are trying to make us fail. I try to think the best of others, so I imagine most are genuinely trying to help. Nevertheless, I think a lot of advice that is given to parents is flawed.

I think parents are also set up to fail by societal expectations of a baby's behaviour. A baby should sleep well, but parents mustn't bed-share. A baby should be quiet, but mustn't be carried/worn all the time or attended to quickly every time. A baby should be breastfed, but please don't show any skin or do that in here. Add to this the fact that many young parents live farther away from their own parents and extended family, and thus don't have the built-in support system that used to be commonplace. Even if they did, though, many of our parents were also sabotaged by bad (but well-meaning) advice. So what do parents do? Some at least read various parenting books that tell them to just follow this routine and your child will be good as gold; if that isn't the case, the blame is put on the parent, not the advice. Or they ask a medical professional, friend, or family member who tells them to do x, y, or z, and/or ignore their own instincts.

That's really the crux of it – we're discouraged from following our instincts, or we don't know how to follow them because we don't see it. Breastfeeding, whilst natural and instinctual to a degree, is also learnt. Our attitudes to it are heavily influenced by our society, meaning that our instincts in this matter are often eroded away long before the baby is born. After the birth, many are then given advice that conflicts with our instincts, thus damaging or completely sabotaging the breastfeedingrelationship. It's no wonder many women stop breastfeeding, for in many ways you really do have to be incredibly obstinate to breastfeed as you wish.

This is also true with baby-training. Because many of us were raised in the era of “Ferberising” and similar methods, where parents were told to ignore their own instincts, many haven't witnessed or experienced instinctual parenting. Then when a child is waking at night, as they do, parents are told to ignore their instincts and “train” the child to sleep. I understand the motivation behind it, I truly do, but I think we're failing ourselves and our children when we follow this.  

As a society, it seems we've forgotten what is normal, namely that babies are meant to wake at night and are meant to be close to mum. This won't lead to them being spoilt brats, they aren't trying to manipulate (even if they vomit or poo or stop crying when they hear you coming). We've forgotten that babies are meant to breastfeed on cue, including during the night, and doing so won't turn them into demanding hellions who expect to receive their every wish immediately. Thankfully this information is being rediscovered and disseminated, so even if parents don't see these behaviours, they can know about them. There's still a long way to go, though.

*Note: I do not think parents who follow that advice are bad parents, but I lament that they've been given incorrect info and undermined in that way.

Praise and Criticism

I've been thinking a lot about how I respond to my children.  Unfortunately I find I'm much quicker to criticise and correct than I am to praise them.  I seem to take it for granted when they're meeting or exceeding my expectations, but am quick to correct or scold when they aren't.  I have high expectations, and I don't see a problem with that, for I think they are capable of those expectations (they've proven this over and over again).  However, my response needs work.  I don't know how to remind myself not to criticise as much.  I do think it's better if I'm more responsive and not absorbed in my own thing, though.  It's usually when I'm not paying as much attention that I get more irritated and therefore become more critical.  Since I've realised that I have this problem, though, hopefully, with the grace of God, I can begin to rectify it.  I know it won't happen overnight.  I know it'll take a lifetime to learn, but I'm willing.  After all, I want my children to know how proud of them I am, and not to think I'm always disappointed, because I'm not disappointed in them at all.  I'm honoured to be their mother, and they should know that.

Co-Sleeping in the News

You may have read recently about co-sleeping being blamed for the death of an infant.  Any time a child dies it is tragic, and I am in no way trying to minimise the parents' loss.  I cannot fathom losing my child, to be honest.

That being said, I am also appalled that co-sleeping is being blamed for the death.  Co-sleeping is not to blame - unsafe co-sleeping is.  See, the mother had drunk a bottle of wine on an empty stomach before falling asleep with her child.  Advocates of co-sleeping would all agree that mothers should not co-sleep if they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol (see Dr McKenna and UNICEF's study and statement.  (By the way, it's perfectly fine to have a drink when breastfeeding, in moderation.)  Yet despite this, the article ends with the following lines:

Health bosses have also warned parents against falling asleep with their baby.

A spokesman for NHS Bolton said, 'There is no advice which can guarantee the prevention of sudden infant deaths but there are a number of things parents and carers can do to reduce the risk to their baby.

'The safest place for a baby to sleep for the first six months is in a cot, Moses basket or crib in their parents' room and it is dangerous for a baby to sleep in a normal bed or on a sofa or armchair.'

Notice that they don't say "co-sleeping is safe if you follow these guidelines" or "don't over-drink when caring for an infant (regardless of where they sleep but especially not if co-sleeping)".  No, they instead say that any bed-sharing is dangerous.  Full stop.

But what if a child had been placed in a cot to sleep, but there were extraneous blankets and toys in the cot and the baby suffocated?  Would there then be a prohibition against cot-sleeping?  No, they'd simply remind parents not to put extraneous items in the cot and to place the child on his back with his feet to the foot of the cot.

Yet when it's a practise followed by "attachment parents", as with co-sleeping or babywearing*, then the reaction seems to be to condemn the practise outright without acknowledging the benefits of the practise and the fact that it can be done safely.  This is infuriating not just because these are practises I like, but because it doesn't give parents the full picture and therefore makes it more difficult for them to make informed decisions.

Actually, I just noticed that Bolton's hospital were awarded Stage 1 UNICEF Baby-Friendly status, which means their policies and procedures were evaluated.  If I'm not mistaken, that means they should have a policy written that allows for safe co-sleeping, since co-sleeping certainly makes breastfeeding easier.  That almost makes it more infuriating, since it was a spokesman from NHS Bolton who is quoted above.

*  thinking of the knee-jerk reactions when it was shown that certain carriers were unsafe, though most babywearing is perfectly safe and even beneficial

We Are the Borg. You Will Be Assimilated.

When I think of the debates in the parenting world regarding schedules and parenting styles and such, I find myself thinking about whether we're treating the child as the individual he is if we're imposing those schedules or styles on them from the start.

The extreme end of this would be the Babywise-type regimen that recommends imposing a fairly strict schedule for the child's feeding, napping, and playing times.  The question is, is the imposition of such a schedule and style done for the child's benefit or the parents'?  After all, it would seem that deciding on a schedule/style beforehand would not be taking into account the child's unique personality, which is present at birth (at least to some extent).

It just seems to me that scheduling things is more about me than my child, since my children can't tell time.  They know what they need when they need it, and we settle into a groove soon enough when I'm attuned to that.   Anyone who knows me knows that I'm very much an attachment parent, but I didn't read up on Attachment Parenting and choose to do it - I followed my instincts and the cues of my children.   This has taken different forms with Kieran and Charlotte, even from birth.  This really threw me off when Charlotte was born, as I'd anticipated doing things the same way with her, but she's a different person and therefore I had to change the way I did things.  For example, when Kieran was a newborn he'd sleep anytime anywhere provided he was touching me; Charlotte, however, demanded to be in bed nursing around 20.00 every night.  I couldn't nurse her while standing or sitting, but had to be in bed.  So I adapted, as that's what my instincts told me and that's what she needed.  Similarly, Kieran would accept milk any time he got hurt or was upset, while Charlotte won't comfort nurse and so I have to find other ways of comforting her, such as singing.

Speaking of instincts, it also seems to me that imposing a schedule tells mothers to ignore their instincts.  I know that any time I try to impose a schedule on Kieran's nursing, even now, it just feels wrong and we both get upset.  He still needs that comfort and nutrition, and while I'd honestly like for him to cut down on his feeds, I'm not sure he's ready.  That's not to say I don't set some limits, because I do, but I don't think he's quite ready for me to say that he gets it only at certain times of the day.  He's never been one to adhere to a strict schedule (at least  not when it comes to nursing) and I don't think he's going to start now.  While maybe it would be more convenient for me if he did, I don't choose my parenting style or schedule due to convenience for me, but by what's best for my children (to the best of my ability).

So I'll do my best to remember that my children are individuals and that their individuality should remain intact instead of being assimilated into the collective. ;-)

Do Unto Others

During my on-going journey of parenting, I've necessarily been wrestling with my ideas on discipline. It's easy to come up with a plan when they're really little, but a bit different when it comes to putting it into action as they grow, in my opinion. As I've been examining this, the phrase that keeps coming back to me is the “Golden Rule”: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In fact, this phrase comes back to me with a lot of my parenting decisions, not just discipline. I try to stop and think about whether I would want to be treated in that way. Yes, we need to direct our children, as they don't understand some of the dangers and need to learn how to listen to and respect others, but there are different ways to accomplish that. I also remember wanting that respect as a child. I was much more likely to do something without complaint if I were asked instead of told, for I then felt that my parents respected me enough to ask. That doesn't mean that all those things were optional (they weren't), but that respect was still there, and I appreciated, and still appreciate, that.

So how does this work in practise? Well, for one it means that I try to look at the “why” behind the “what” when it comes to my children's behaviour. Why is my son screaming? Is it just because he's tired and hungry? Well, I can fix that easily enough and then talk to him about it. Why is my daughter getting into things she shouldn't? Is it because she needs my attention but wasn't getting it? I can fix that. Why isn't my son picking up his toys? Does he just not want to do so? Then I can talk to him and explain that it's important to pick up toys before moving on to the next task and tell him that I need his help to do it. If that doesn't work, I can explain that we can't go outside or do whatever activity he wanted until we've picked up the toys, which will usually motivate him. Now, I'm not talking about coercion or bribing, but explaining that our actions have consequences and that we are in charge of how we act, but we also have to accept the consequences. I see a lot of myself in my kids' stubbornness, so perhaps that helps me a bit.

Following the Golden Rule also means that I apologise to them when I've done something wrong. If I've raised my voice or have gotten cross with them over a trifling matter, then I admit that I was wrong and ask their forgiveness. I'm trying to teach them that this respect goes both ways, and also modelling how I want them to act.

Now, I'm not perfect, and I don't have all the answers. I'm still learning every day, for each day is a step into the unknown. That being said, I think it important to continue to strive to parent with respect, to parent by following the Golden Rule.

Extremes

Lately I seem to have come across a fair amount of parenting things, sometimes in seemingly surprising locations.  I don't seek out parenting books or the like, and never have really (with the exception of The No-Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley)  Something I've noticed in some of these is the tendency to paint things in extremes.  For example, I was skimming a book (a homeschooling book, incidentally, so I was a bit surprised to find this in it) that mentioned that you should train a baby to sleep through the night after 6 months, and then spoke of how you need to do this training and discipline because you shouldn't have a child to whom you never say "no".  Leaving aside my views on sleep training, this seems a rather extreme jump in logic, doesn't it?  Suggesting that not training your child in this way means that you never say "no" to your child isn't the logical deduction to make, in my opinion.  I'm sure these extreme jumps can go the other way, too, so I'm not trying to just pick on one parenting style/philosophy.

Personally, though, I'll just keep doing what comes naturally, what works for my family, and not seek out what a parenting book says.  And while I'm not homeschooling at the moment, I see no reason that continuing to be an attachment parent, something I follow instinctively and did prior to even knowing there was a label for this style of parenting, should impede educating my children.

Perfection

Perfection.  That's what we're striving towards.  In principle, this isn't a bad thing, but it can lead to undue stress when applied to parenting.  Society doesn't help us here, since it seems that parenting books tell us that following certain systems will result in perfect children and a perfectly happy family, while others tell us that whatever we're doing is wrong and will ruin our children.  Now, there are some things that have been shown to be damaging, like CIO, but I think there are multiple ways of parenting, and you must find what works for you.

Interestingly, I've also heard this as a criticism of Attachment Parenting, with some saying it places too much pressure on parents to be absolutely perfect.  I can see how some may think that due to some proponents of AP insisting that all parents must do certain things in a certain way, but I don't think it's a fault of AP principles in general.

Another problem I see with striving to be the perfect parent by the standards of society is that I find those standards/ideals to be unrealistic.  When people ask you if your baby is "good", they generally mean to ask if the baby sleeps well and doesn't cry much, thereby not disturbing the parent very much.  Is that realistic?  I don't think so.  When asked if my children are good, I answer in the affirmative, but I don't expect that they won't disrupt my life.  They're meant to disrupt my life, in my opinion.

This stress on being a perfect parent also seems to ignore the fact that, no matter how many books or websites we've read, we're new at this.  Even if it's our second or later child, we've never had that child before, and so we're still new at this.  No child is exactly like another, and what works for one might not work with another.  Therefore, even if you think you've figured out one child completely (which I don't imagine to be the case, seeing as people change and aren't robots), that person can't say they therefore have all children figured out.  The bottom line is that we're going to make mistakes, and that's OK.  We shouldn't place unrealistic standards upon ourselves.  We're striving to be perfect, but it's a journey, and one for which we need God's grace.

Babywearing

Babywearing has been a Godsend.  When I was pregnant with K, a dear childhood friend made me an Ellaroo-type wrap, which I've since lent to a sister-in-law.  Another sister-in-law sent me the Baby Bjorn and a ring sling.  Unfortunately I don't have photos of me using these.  The Ellaroo-type wrap was used immediately.  I remember walking through north Wales and Manchester with K strapped on in it.  I loved having him so close.  I wasn't quite comfortable with a sling, so I didn't use that much, nor did I use the Ellaroo as a sling.  The Bjorn got used some, but I never found it all that comfortable.  I did have a pram, and it did get used quite a bit.  The problem I had with some of these is that they hurt my back.  I had residual sciatic pain after having K, and pushing a pram/buggy or wearing him hurt after a bit.  Then I encountered a friend who told me about her Kari-Me and let me try it out.  I was determined to get one after that.  I loved it!  My back didn't hurt in it, and K was comfortable.  I never got the hang of breastfeeding him in it, perhaps because I hadn't started using it earlier with him, but I successfully breastfed C in it from the very beginning.  I started wearing her the day after she was born, as I went about the house.  I found the Kari-Me to be comfortable with K until around 19 months.  I was never good at wearing him on my back with it, though.  With C, I rarely use it now because she's figured out how to push up and lean back to wriggle herself loose.

When I was pregnant with C, I was talking to a friend on Phatmass about babywearing, and she offered to make me a mei tai.  I was rather excited about that, since it was becoming difficult to wear K in the Kari-Me.  I mainly wore him on my back with the mei tai, though I did stop wearing him when I got to the 3rd trimester.  He loved being worn, though.  Once C was born, I started wearing her in that, too.  The photo isn't the best, as I was taking it myself, but it's what I have at the moment.  It's so easy to breastfeed in the mei tai, which is another plus.  She sometimes goes on my back, especially if I need to cook and she wants to be held.

Because C loves being held, I've also rigged a quick sling.  I didn't always want to take the time to get her fully strapped on, and there were times when it wasn't a good idea to have her all on my front, and at the time I wasn't yet wearing her on my back.  I picked up a heavy scarf I have and knotted it so it was adjusted correctly and securely, and popped her in it.  Easy to get her in and out quickly, easy to breastfeed in, and she seemed fairly comfortable.  I don't find that as comfortable as the Kari-Me or mei tai, but for short bursts it works.

Conflict

I was thinking about something recently, about how some objections to Attachment Parenting seem to be based on conflict.  Conflict between the spousal relationship versus the parental relationship or conflict between parent and child.  What I mean is the arguments I've heard against co-sleeping or responding quickly to cries or breastfeeding on demand.  I've seen people saying that co-sleeping will ruin a marriage, setting up a conflict between the spousal and parental relationships.  I've seen people say that responding quickly to the child every time (ie: not practising cry-it-out or sleep training) or breastfeeding completely on demand instead of scheduling feedings leads to the child manipulating you, thus setting up a parent-child conflict.

While I know I'm no expert, given that my oldest child is just over 3 years old, I see this conflicts are artificial.  Why must there be a conflict between the spousal and parental relationships?  Yes, there's an adjustment period, but the relationships are not ad odds, and to say they are is to set up a false dichotomy (I love that word, by the way).  The same with saying the child is manipulating you, or saying that you must train the child to your schedule instead of doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done.  If a parenting style is creating a conflict, perhaps it's time to reevaluate things, in my opinion.  Being a parent is hard, but I see no reason for it to inherently create conflict between spouses or the parents and children.

BabyCentre Rant

For some reason I was checking out the BabyCentre site recently, even though every time I do that I swear I'll never visit their site again.  Anyway, I was on their sleep section, and was appalled to see that they suggest having your baby cry it out from 4-5 months to get them to sleep through the night!  This goes against what the research shows, though, not to mention that at that age the child cannot understand that you'll be back in x minutes/hours and needs his mother.  A friend of mine once explained it this way: if she was crying, and her husband could hear her but chose to ignore her, she'd probably stop crying, but she'd also feel hurt by her husband and might not trust him as much.  Wouldn't a child feel something similar?  They rely on us for all their needs.  They can't get up on their own, they can't feed themselves, they even regulate their breathing and heartrate with the mother's.  Also, since prolactin levels are highest at night, cutting out the night feeds could harm the breastfeeding relationship and lead to premature weaning.  So I'll once again swear off BabyCentre, knowing I'll probably venture onto there again to see if they've changed their advice.  I certainly won't recommend it to anyone, though.

Cry It Out

I was going to write about an article I recently read, but a friend of mine has written such a great response, I'm going to link to hers, as I don't think I could improve upon it.  The only thing I'd add is a reference to Dr Jay Gordon's website if you need tips on getting your child to sleep, gently, in addition to the reference Danielle noted for The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.  So go check out Danielle's post - it's great.

Attachment Parenting & Safety

Sometimes it seems that the practices common to attachment parents, such as co-sleeping, baby-wearing, and even baby-led weaning and extended breastfeeding, to a much lesser degree, are condemned as being absolutely, unequivocally unsafe.  It's rather infuriating when examples of doing these things in an unsafe manner results in condemnation of the practice as a whole, where "mainstream" practices such as the use of buggies and cots are deemed safe with certain caveats (like the feet to foot practice with cots).

So, first up, co-sleeping.  I've talked about this before. Co-sleeping gets a bad reputation because of infant deaths from suffocation and/or overlaying, and these are real risks if co-sleeping isn't done safely.  However, to condemn the practice outright isn't helpful, either.  Parents are already given information on how to keep their baby safe in a cot, such as putting their feet to the foot of the cot, keeping blankets away from their heads, not using pillows, etc.  Surely it wouldn't be much more difficult to also give them information on how to safely co-sleep by ensuring there's no way for the baby to fall off or get caught in cracks or crevices, keeping pillows away, keeping blankets away from the baby's face, and only co-sleeping if the mother is breastfeeding and neither parent smokes or has had alcohol before bed.  But the wholesale condemnation of it seems to assume that parents can't or won't follow those simple guidelines and so aren't given the information.  How can we make informed choices if the information either isn't available or is skewed?

Next up, baby-wearing.  Recently there was a condemnation of baby-wearing because certain slings were linked to infant deaths. These deaths are tragic, but parents would be better served by being given information on safe baby-wearing instead of condemning the practice altogether.  After all, there have been injuries and the like with pushchairs/buggies, but use of those items isn't condemned.  Condemning baby-wearing is also unwise due to the benefits to the baby, since baby-wearing allows them to regulate their temperatures with the mother's, and helps with their physical development (it works the same muscles as tummy time).  There are many safe slings, wraps, and mei tais to choose from, too.  I don't see a great many people who baby-wear here, but I almost always get positive comments about it when I'm out, as people see how snug C is, and how content.  The only half-way negative comment I've personally gotten was my Health Visitor asking if my wrap was one of the recalled slings, and I assured her it wasn't.  So this isn't something I've personally experienced criticism with, but I have seen a lot of it online.  The information certainly isn't widely disseminated here, though.

Finally, feeding practices.  At first, people seemed scared that my children would choke with doing baby-led weaning.  BLW is when you give the child the same food you're eating, just cut into chunks they can easily pick up, and the child then feeds himself.  If you wait until the child is developmentally ready (sitting up well, lost the tongue-thrust reflex, and has a pincer-grasp), and you make sure the food is cut large enough to allow for easy handling by the baby, then it's very unlikely anything bad will happen.  Thankfully my HV said they're now recommending BLW, so the word is getting out.  Extended breastfeeding is still looked down upon in some cases.  Once K turned 1, my HV was a bit iffy about the fact that he still breastfed at night because of supposed dental risks; however, breastfeeding isn't linked to dental caries like bottle-feeding is.  I don't know if the HV is still iffy about that, since I've not spoken with her about that since then.  We'll see what she says once C turns 1 (if C actually has teeth by then!).