Growing up in a congregation that taught "once saved, always saved" (OSAS) and emphasised a conversion experience, it wasn't uncommon to hear how sad it was that Catholics didn't absolutely know they were saved. We were taught that we could absolutely know, and that once a person was saved, that was that. They'd never fall away.
Perhaps it is somewhat ironic, then, that I've felt much more assured, in a way, after leaving behind the OSAS theology (the Catholic Church teaches that one can lose his salvation, because God doesn't keep anyone against his will). For one, I never had a dramatic conversion experience. I couldn't point to one time or event and say "that's when I was saved!". I sometimes felt that was seen as an indication that I wasn't truly saved. When we had to share our testimonies, I felt I needed to find something in my life that could indicate a more dramatic conversion. I was unsure a lot of the time.
This uncertainty also came despite the assurances of OSAS apart from the actual conversion experience. The teaching can lead to a couple of conclusions: that one will never fall away and if one does then he wasn't really saved in the first place, or that one is saved no matter what he does after that point. The second option is difficult to reconcile with free will, for surely God doesn't take away our free will after we start following Him, which means we are free to leave at any time. Obviously we can hope and pray that all will return, like the Prodigal Son, but it's not a given. The first option, though, is what made me unsure. I'd see people who taught Sunday School go down at the altar call and declare that they'd never been really saved but they were now. This frightened me. OK, it terrified me. These people had been certain of their salvation, but then declared that they hadn't really been saved (as evidenced by some sin they'd committed), but now they were and were sure of it. The question in my mind was always how they could be certain this time if they thought they'd been certain last time and had been wrong. I became absolutely terrified of the afterlife and obsessed with wondering if I was truly saved. I'd repeat the "sinner's prayer" over and over, hoping and praying it would "work". I didn't talk about those fears really, because I was ashamed.
Fast-forward, then, to when I started to truly study Catholic teaching. Far from having a hopeless view of salvation, I found it to be full of hope. The teaching is that one can fall away since we have free will, but by the grace of God it is possible to continue following Him. I can't answer with an absolute as to whether I'll be saved in the end, because I don't know what I'll do tomorrow. I can answer for this very moment in time a bit more easily. I find that this fits in with St Paul's words about working out one's salvation with fear and trembling very well (Phil. 2:12). To quote another and summarise: "I am saved (Rom. 8:24, Eph. 2:5–8), I am being saved (1 Cor. 1:18, 2 Cor. 2:15, Phil. 2:12), and I have hope that I will be saved (Rom. 5:9–10, 1 Cor. 3:12–15)".
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